1. Llama sutra

    Good: Making sex-toy deliveries by bike. Better: Promising to come within the hour. Best: Calling yourself the Kinky Llama.

  2. Oh you NASA boy

    Dear former Apollo astronaut/current climate-change denier, you remind us of that space cadet who chased her ex-lover around in a diaper. Must be something in the air up there, eh?

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  3. Soda fountains of youth

    Ah, remember when we sweetened things with sugar and Michael Pollan had nothing to bitch about? Pepsi does too! So drink up, America — the corn syrup comes back June 14.

  4. Green is the new irony

    How best to assert your commitment to “consume less”? A brand-new T-shirt, of course.

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  5. We’d like to spank the Academy

    Is it wrong that we’re more excited about some of these re-imagined Best Picture titles than the real deal?