Chevron is pleased with how much money it made last year, which is nice
Hey, hey! Happy times at Chevron headquarters, located at 10 Satan Street in a secret city that hovers out of sight behind storm clouds. The company’s fourth quarter profits will be “notably higher” than third quarter profits! (Third quarter revenues for the company were only $56 billion. Sad face.)
The outline given by the second-largest U.S. oil producer by market value hints at a bright succession of earnings reports when the world’s biggest publicly traded energy producers begin releasing results in coming weeks, said Brian Youngberg, an analyst at Edward Jones & Co. in St. Louis.
“Chevron’s results certainly provide an optimistic preview of what its peers in the integrated energy sector have in store,” Youngberg said in a telephone interview yesterday.
Hooray! Optimism in these dark times. Refreshing.
As for ExxonMobil:
Exxon, based in Irving, Texas, is expected to report net income of $43.8 billion for 2012, according to the average of six analysts’ estimates compiled by Bloomberg.
Clap clap clap clap! It will either spend that $43 billion by giving $6 to every living human being or by buying more things that enable it to suck more oil out of the ground more quickly to hasten the planet’s wrenching slide into a changed climate. (Sad face.)
Somewhere, behind the darkest cloud in the night sky, a toast is made. “To as much as we can get, as soon as we can get it.” Glasses clink. A single lightning bolt flashes to the ground leaving a scorched “X” that marks yet another place to drill.