Vanhawks’ Valour is a smart bike that tracks things like distance, speed, and calories burned. It offers turn-by-turn navigation based on elevation gain and real-time traffic data, and the handlebars vibrate to warn you when a car’s in your blind spot. Plus, riding it for an hour can fully charge your phone. Its successful Kickstarter campaign has already raised more than twice its $100,000 goal, and it isn’t even over yet.

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So what’s not to love? Everything, according to actual bike aficionados. WHOOPS. Bike Snob NYC recently mocked Valour’s Kickstarter campaign, much to the delight of Reddit’s cycling community. Bike Snob deems Valour “complicated” and “impractical,” noting its $1,049 price tag. But here’s the best part:

The bicycle has “blind spot detection,” which looks suspiciously like a “rider flatulence alert.”

Grist thanks its sponsors. Become one.


Ooh, look, he farted again!


There’s also the tiny detail that, although this bike can basically make you dinner, it lacks actually USEFUL things like fenders or a bike rack. In the words of Bike Snob:

Grist thanks its sponsors. Become one.

If I were a novice cyclist and all that was available to me was crap like this I’d make the logical choice and say, “Fuck it, I’m leasing a Hyundai.”

Yep. The whole hilarious takedown is worth a read. Check it out.

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