Bears will eat you because of global warming
Bears don’t want to eat you — they just want to be left alone to ride unicycles, eat porridge, and be depressing in John Irving novels. But what with the droughts and heat waves, their normal food is scarce and they’re being forced to break into houses and eat chocolate, candy, and beer. Eventually, they’re going to eat you. I’m sorry. I wish I could say they wouldn’t, but they will.
In some places, bear encounters are three times more frequent this year, as animals who can’t find berries are driven to look for human snacks. This black bear in Colorado broke into a store and ate a bunch of fancy candy including, horrifically, “cookie bears.” Look, in tough times we all resort to cookie cannibalism.
It’s a global phenomenon. In Norway, a family of bears destroyed a well-stocked cabin and consumed, among other things, 100 cans of beer. Suck on that, Goldilocks.
But if you do get eaten, some consolation: There are only like 50,000 bears in the world and 7 billion people. Your providing one with sustenance is the greatest act of conservation you can provide. If your survivors email us, we will present them with a certificate suitable for inclusion in your coffin, alongside the bits that didn’t taste good.