1. Llama sutra

    Good: Making sex-toy deliveries by bike. Better: Promising to come within the hour. Best: Calling yourself the Kinky Llama.

  2. Oh you NASA boy

    Dear former Apollo astronaut/current climate-change denier, you remind us of that space cadet who chased her ex-lover around in a diaper. Must be something in the air up there, eh?

  3. Soda fountains of youth

    Ah, remember when we sweetened things with sugar and Michael Pollan had nothing to bitch about? Pepsi does too! So drink up, America — the corn syrup comes back June 14.

  4. Green is the new irony

    How best to assert your commitment to “consume less”? A brand-new T-shirt, of course.

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  5. We’d like to spank the Academy

    Is it wrong that we’re more excited about some of these re-imagined Best Picture titles than the real deal?

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