This looks just like me except it is red and see through and still in possession of the 6,000 yen i spent buying it.

FabCafeThis looks just like me except it is red and see-through and costs 6,000 yen.

So the last time I made fun of Japan, I was sharply taken to task by some guy who said I didn’t get Japan, and boy was he right. And I’m afraid I am going to just give him another opportunity, what with this gummi bear portrait that’s just been rolled out by a Tokyo bistro called FabCafe. For only 6,000 yen, or roughly $65, it will take a 3D scan of your body, which is used to create a mold for the gummi stuff. I’m sorry, this product is weird.

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The gummi-you (or me, but hopefully, you) was rolled out for a holiday called White Day, which is basically Japan’s second Valentine’s Day — women give presents on Feb. 14, and guys give them on March 14, and go figure it’s the guys who consider “tiny version of me made of gross candy” to be a really romantic gift. Or maybe it’s just the ladies who want to gnaw their boyfriends’ heads off.

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Here is something about this FabCafe place I can get behind: It has a thing called a Marshmallow Latte. That makes me feel a remarkable kinship and understanding of all things Japanese (hear that, Yglesias?). I feel I am beginning to understand. That said, the only Japanese words I know are yes, thank you, and soba noodles. I would very much like to learn how to say, “Is this gummi bear portrait by any chance returnable?”