Chloe and Theo, a new film about climate change starring Dakota Johnson, Miro Sorvino, and first-time actor Theo Ikummaq, opens in theaters Friday. And while we should be first in line for a feature film about climate change, from what we saw in the trailer, we’d rather listen to Mitt Romney talk about his dreams at a dry wedding than sit through this horror show.

Dakota Johnson plays Chloe, a homeless woman with a heart of gold who always seems to be covered in dirt even though she lives in 21st century New York and not a swamp. Chloe meets Theo (Theo Ikummaq), an Inuit man who’s traveled from the Arctic to ask the rest of us to please stop melting his glaciers. The trailer suggests that Theo has never heard of New York, America, the internet, Starbucks, Barack Obama, Shell Oil, or Fifty Shades of Grey. He asks Chloe to take him to her elders, to which she responds, Huh? while Coldplay plays in the background. But don’t worry, the unlikely pair eventually find an elder in lawyer Monica (Mira Sorvino), who, according to The New York Times, “helps them with networking.” Then they convince the U.N. to save the world from climate change or something. Cool! Glad someone is on that.

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While I have yet to (and never will) watch this particular film, I feel confident declaring that Chloe and Theo is exactly like Encino Man meets Nanook of the North. Or it’s like Comcast meets Macklemore’s new song. Or like Zach Braff’s Kickstarter meets Richard Branson’s goatee. Speaking of Richard Branson, he was a producer of this “loosely based on a true story” movie. I’m no Magic 8 Ball, but this seems about as good an investment as his short-lived wedding dress company, Virgin Brides. We just hope Theo got paid well.

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