Where are the ocean heroes of our childhood now? All washed up

Any kid born in the modern era didn’t need to live near the beach to spend huge chunks of childhood under the sea. We danced as Ariel waggled her fishtail to marimba clams in The Little Mermaid; we cried when Willy got free and soaked that one kid; we laughed at Aquaman’s impotent attempts to do something, anything to help the Justice League (attack, seahorses, attack!). But we’ve all grown up since then, and the state of our oceans has worsened. Which got us thinking: Where are the once-great finned and flippered stars now? How have they coped with our acidification and plastification of their watery homes? It’s time to find out. (All celebrity dramatizations illustrated by Amelia Bates.)

Free Willy

Willy ends up back in an unrepentant SeaWorld facility. But after killing his trainer one-too-many times, he is sentenced to solitary in Newport, OR. After being paroled, he takes his musically influential whale song on the road with a hefty roster of all-star supporters like Willie Nelson, Cheap Trick, Martina McBride, Barenaked Ladies, Heart, Trisha Yearwood, Trace Adkins, and .38 Special.

Aquaman

OK, we concede that just including soggy punching bag Arthur Curry in a list of “heroes” and “stars” is stretching it a bit. But his self-esteem is about to take an even bigger blow: Whereas before he could summon whales, sharks, porpoises, octopi, and seahorses to the ineffective rescue, before long he’ll only have jellyfish to throw at the problem. Poor Arthur.

Spongebob Squarepants

Back in Bikini Bottom, we finally come across some good news: Our favorite undersea burger-flipper could start franchising to replace crashing coral reefs. Though things are less bubbly for homely Patrick, who is literally melting into goo on the ocean floor.

Patrick