Warm soda is gross. Coke’s latest desperate bid for attention newest packaging idea addresses that in sort of edible-beer-cozy fashion, by creating a bottle made of ice. Currently only available in Colombia, the ice-bottle will theoretically keep your Coke cold long enough for you to mull over the plight of melting glaciers, soda’s link to weight gain, and the depression/diet soda correlation.

Melting away, like our hopes and dreams.
Melting away, like our hopes and dreams.

Are Coke and Pepsi the new cigarettes?” you can muse aloud while sipping an icy cool brown beverage on the shores of Cartagena. “Does the melting ice symbolize our shared mortality and the fleeting nature of youth? SHOULD I STOP ASKING RHETORICAL QUESTIONS?”

Supposedly the bottle is eco-friendly, because by the time it melts, you’re left with nothing but a sugar high and the dumb red Coca-Cola band that was around it to remind you of global branding’s insidious nature. But all I can think of is how ice is supposedly the best murder weapon because it melts, leaving no fingerprints. Was that your goal, Coke? WAS IT?