Until this morning, Grist List had not come across Erica Strauss or her work. But we wish we had. We wish we knew her. In fact, we wish she would have dinner with us (she’d have to cook though). Because she is not only a professionally trained chef, suburban homesteader, and blogger, she is the author of the best fucking rant about healthy eating and all the bullshit surrounding it that we have ever read.

I know you. We have a lot in common. You have been doing some reading and now you are pretty sure everything in the grocery store and your kitchen cupboards is going to kill you.

This is Life After Your Healthy Eating Internet Education (or, for the less web-savvy, possibly Life After Dr. Oz). It’s a problem similar to I’m Feeling A Little Sick And I Looked Up My Symptoms On The Internet And OMG I’M GOING TO DIE.

That really skinny old scientist dude says anything from an animal will give you cancer. But a super-ripped 60 year old with a best-selling diet book says eat more butter with your crispy T-Bone and you’ll be just fine as long as you stay away from grains. Great abs beat out the PhD so you end up hanging out on a forum where everyone eats green apples and red meat and talks about how functional and badass parkour is.

If you’ve ever tried to figure out what’s right to eat, you’ve been through this. The answer, always, is either “ridiculous amounts of everything that includes the nutrient du jour, to the point where you would literally have to be eating every second to get sufficient riboflavin or what have you,” or “NOTHING, EVER.”

Soon you learn that even vegetables are trying to kill you. Many are completely out unless they are pre-fermented with live cultures in a specialized $79 imported pickling crock. The only thing you are sure of is kale …

Kale … so good. So healthy. So THE ONLY THING YOU CAN TRUST IN A MIXED-UP WORLD.

You don’t need a deli sandwich or a po’boy. You have a saute of Russian Kale and Tuscan Kale and Scotch Kale (because you love international foods). It’s delicious. No, really. You cooked the kale in a half-pound of butter that had more raw culture than a black-tie soiree at Le Bernardin.

Screw it, just read the whole thing. Read it all the way to the end. All the way. It’s worth it.