Adam FosterThat doesn’t look like a Chenin Blanc to me. For shame.

Finally, someone has written an important article about something that actually means something to me: what kind of wine we are going to drink with the disgusting vermin we have to eat when the world ends or is on its way toward ending. Author Lauren Davis of io9 begins by making the excellent point that good wine might last longer than anything else, and then offers a handy list of what vintages go best with which creature. Here is a sampling:

Squirrels: There are many foodies who consider squirrel the unsung meat, claiming the furry little critters taste a bit like boar or maybe a cross between duck and lamb. Squirrel is frequently braised in a dry red wine, such as a Claret, but a according to What to Pair With Wine’s Joel Baxter the strong flavor of wild boar demands a complex wine like a Barolo or a Shiraz. If your squirrels fall more to the lamb-duck end of the flavor spectrum, opt for a Pinot Noir, which pairs well with both animals.

Slugs: A handy thing about slugs is that they take on the flavor of whatever you feed them — and you’ll probably want to feed them for a while before you eat them so you don’t end up eating garbage-infused slug. When Ron Zimmerman of The Herbfarm, a Washington restaurant that specializes in locally sourced Pacific Northwest foods, served up basil-and-carrot-infused slugs at one diner’s request, he paired them with an acidic Chenin Blanc.

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Dog Food: Much like with MREs, the wine pairing you choose for your dog food depends on the specific dog food you’re planning to consume. A 2009 study found that participants had difficulty telling Newman’s Own dog food from pork liver pate (which you can pair with a White Burgandy or a Chianti or Pinot Noir). And BusinessWeek once staged a gourmet dog food taste test complete with wine pairings. The sweet Nature’s Variety Sweet Potato and Molasses went especially well with a Riesling. If all you’ve got on hand is dry kibble, we recommend finding the strongest, most pungent wine you can, chugging half of it before your kibble dinner and then using the rest to rinse out your mouth.

Human Beings: As Hannibal Lecter taught us, just because you’ve gone cannibal doesn’t mean you’re a complete savage. Human meat, however, isn’t uniform in taste and texture, so it’s the perfect excuse to explore your newly acquired vino collection. The Huffington Post has an excellent piece on which wines to pair with which cuts of human flesh: a Chenin Blanc or Chardonnay for the brains, a Shiraz for the tongue, and for the liver, a Barolo — not, as Dr. Lecter would have us believe, a Chianti.

For the complete article, including pairings for tarantulas, possum, and (shudder) SPAM, please go to io9. You can drink anything while reading this article and you will enjoy it.

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