America’s favorite pastimes currently include football, gorging on an unlimited supply of pasta and breadsticks, and tirelessly analyzing the choices that millennials make. This generation is the future, after all!

Behold, then, what the future looks like: The organic fruits and vegetables market will thrive, but the real estate market is doomed to failure. Hmm.

A three-year study undertaken by the Boston Consulting Group found that the nation’s most closely scrutinized generation is basically dumping $20 bills on the front steps of Whole Foods with a wheelbarrow. But when it comes to, say, buying property or expensive goods, we’re a bit more reticent.

“Get out of here,” I said, reading these results. “Stop trying to classify millennials! It’s a fruitless exercise!

Then I took 15 minutes to walk around my house and look at things I had spent money on — RECENTLY. From the top three categories:

“Fresh fruits and vegetables”

freshproduceHmm.

“Organic food”

organicproductsNot including the vegetables above, which are also organic … damn it.

“Natural products”

naturalproducts

OK. Fine! Maybe there is something to this study, after all.

I will drop 40 clams at the farmers market LIKE IT’S NOTHING (when heirloom tomatoes are $5 a pound, it’s not even a choice, frankly). I once spent 11 American dollars on a jar of pickles. They were local and organic, but they were PICKLES. For perspective, just this morning I emitted a loud groan at the counter when a pharmacist informed me that an antibiotics prescription would run me $6.39. I am more willing to spend money on chard than on the preservation of my own damn kidneys. That said, chard is delicious, and I can’t even see my kidneys. They’re probably fine!

What do millennials hate to spend money on? Handbags (fair — they are mostly stupid), apps (it’s true — I almost universally refuse to download any app that is not free), and luxury brands (we just spent all of our money on organic fava beans, so what do you expect?).

It bears mentioning that the question asked in this survey was: “For each of the following categories, please indicate if you think you will increase, decrease, or not change your spending over the next 2 months.” There’s the possibility that healthy, green products topped the list because people love to believe that they will make “better” choices in the future than they currently do.

To sum up: Millennials will just lose their goddamn minds over a farmers market stand, and I’m a walking cliché! Use this information as you see fit.

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