WHERE IS MY CROISSANT?
I WANT MY PASTRIES NOW!
Super 45

That Kanye. Say what you will about him (he’s a misogynist, his videos are sexist and racist, he needs to turn off caps lock when he tweets), but you’ve never even considered his worst offense: saying croissants take too long.

The song “I Am a God” off the recently released “Yeezus” album offended the Association of French Bakers so much, the group wrote West an open letter (which The Eargazm vows is not a joke):

To Monsieur Kanye West:

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter, Nord! This is a truly auspicious time for you — and so it is with great sadness that we must lodge a formal complaint against the song “I am a God” from your new album Yeezus.

Our organization represents bakers across France, many of whom have taken great offense at this particular rhyming couplet:

“In a French-ass restaurant
Hurry up with my damn croissants”

The Association knows Kanye frequents only the best French restaurants. Clearly they have excellent service, which means it’s not the waitstaff’s fault — croissants JUST TAKE A LONG TIME TO BAKE.

Bakers must carefully layer the dough, paint on perfect proportions of butter, and then roll and fold this trembling croissant embryo with the precision of a Japanese origami master.

This process, as you can understand, takes much time…

We know you are a busy man, M. West, but we believe that your patience for croissants will always be rewarded…

We hope from the deepest recesses of our hearts that in the future you give croissants the time they need to fully mature before you partake.

Clearly the man has never heard of the Slow Food movement. Slow your roll, OK, ‘Ye?