Source photos: Republican Conference and Bill V.Finally, our long national nightmare is over: Styrofoam cups and plastic cutlery are back in the Congressional cafeterias. Yes, the Republicans’ campaign to save America by needlessly trashing it continues apace, and on Monday John Boehner announced a hard-won victory over even the most trivial and symbolic environmental concessions. “The new majority — plasticware is back,” he tweeted. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
It’s not a big surprise that the Speaker, who is constructed largely of rawhide and artificial coloring, doesn’t approve of things that degrade naturally. But it’s telling that the GOP is willing to crow about this tiny victory over giving even a little bit of a crap. It’s a pretty weaksauce win — the money saved is pocket change. Boehner’s personal investments could eat it for a snack. All this does is show their hand, which is three cards that read “SCREW,” “YOU,” and “NATURE.”
Then again, have they got any other wins to celebrate? They probably do need to cobble together whatever they can get. Here are a few other ideas, if they’re hurting for successes, which you know they are:
Get rid of soap in the Capitol bathrooms. That’ll probably save at least a couple of dollars per bathroom per day. Sample Boehner tweet: “New majority health care plan: Build up a tolerance!”
Replace meat in the cafeterias with Taco Bell meat-like substitute. Sample Boehner tweet: “Republicans are helping small businesses, plus getting you your RDA of fiber!”
Nix the expensive staff and interns, replace with monkeys. No economic rationale for this, I just like monkeys. Sample Boehner tweet: “Monkeys!!”
Fire themselves, saving over $42 million for the House alone. Sample Boehner tweet: “We’re drastically reducing the size of government — and helping the environment, too!”