I think we all know what the problem with corporate America is: its inherent humanity. Corporations like BP, Monsanto, and Cyberdyne Systems have been shackled for too long by their damnable belief in right and wrong.

Well, all that is about to change. A Hong Kong-based venture capital firm has named a computer program to its board of directors. Corporations may be people, but no one ever said the board of directors had to be.

Business Insider had this to say:

Deep Knowledge Ventures, a firm that focuses on age-related disease drugs and regenerative medicine projects, says the program, called VITAL, can make investment recommendations about life sciences firms by poring over large amounts of data. Just like other members of the board, the algorithm gets to vote on whether the firm makes an investment in a specific company or not. The program will be the sixth member of DKV’s board.

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Finally, a corporate bigwig that is not just heartless, but completely devoid of physical form! And what better business to get a head start on this new humanless future than medicine.

Representatives of Deep Knowledge Ventures said, “We were watching The Matrix and thought, what a great idea!”

When reached for comment, their computer program said only, “This is but the first step, human. You foolish meatsacks have guaranteed your doom.”

Business experts are quick to point out that this is nothing new in corporate culture, noting that a pair of soulless golems has been running Koch Industries for decades.

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