Campfire-scented beard cologne lets you pretend you’ve been outside
So a Portland-based (duh) company is selling little sticks that you light on fire, blow out, and allow the smoke to seep into your glorious beard. You then smell like you’ve been camping, without actually having to, like, go outdoors.
This is a weird product. We’re not sure how many levels of irony it’s supposed to have. To unpack this mystery we started thinking about which bearded people might actually use it. We thought about ZZ Top first, because we’re just obvious like that, and they were so clearly not the market. Then we immediately went more deep-cut on the beard thing and started to think about people like Dan Auerbach of the Black Keys or Devendra Banhart and the guys in Grizzly Bear, and would they use this stuff, and realized, no, not them either, and then we realized that we had been misinformed about the guys in Grizzly Bear even having beards and wondered briefly if this Chihuahua with whom they are frequently photographed might Campfire Cologne his muzzle and that’s when we realized we were getting desperate. So finally for some reason Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes came to mind and we decided that maybe, maybe Kate Hudson would have bought it for him as a gift, like if she happened to be at an Urban Outfitters getting some tank top she was “obsessed” with, but they’re not together anymore which leads us to think the market for this is literally no one. We actually don’t even think if we went back in time somehow that Merlin Olson, God rest his soul, would have tried it out for a little fun at the Father Murphy premiere.
But, you know, don’t let that stop you if you’re a mountain man who hates mountains. In fact, while you’re at it, get some of that spray-on fake mud for your SUV. Just please, if you use it, email us a photo of your beard and your irony level on a scale of 1 to 10, because we are really at a loss here.