The Republicans and their Tea Party overlords have shut down the government, and I’m sure there is a lot of wisdom behind that move, but there are a few consequences that even Michele Bachmann might have missed. Sure, active duty military personnel will still get paid, so we’ll still be able to fight the six or seven wars we’ve currently got going (take that, Christmas!), but can America survive without Giant Panda Cam? I mean seriously, we can’t even pay enough park police to taze the elderly as they “storm” the WWII memorial, and if we can’t taze the elderly, is this even America anymore?
While even the staunchest Tea Partier may find it a little bit of a bummer that the Statue of Liberty is closed, they’re probably OK with the rest of the shutdowns. I mean, you gotta do what you gotta do to keep poor people from getting healthcare. Sure, over 800,000 of their friends, neighbors, and countrymen are out of work, but they were government workers, so they probably weren’t working that hard anyway.
Granted, every once in a while, the government does something worthwhile -- like the Environmental Protection Agency, which makes sure our air and water are clean. But what’s wrong with chewable air? Are you too big a pussy to drink flammable water?
Well, I hate to admit it, but I am too big a pussy to drink flammable water, and, thanks to years of waiting for Obamacare to kick in while I was too broke to pay for dental coverage, I’m afraid if I had to chew the air, my teeth would break. So, being a proud American, I am going to fall back on this great nations’ founding ideal: The Entrepreneurial Spirit. (Did you know that George Washington parlayed the money he made delivering Poor Richard's Almanacs to open the first Bennigans franchise?)
That's right, I’m starting a campaign to crowdfund the EPA -- and you’re invited to join!