Even if you aren’t a proponent of voluntary human extinction, few people would argue that teen pregnancy is a good thing — and those who do live in Colorado City, Ariz., and wear sacred undergarments. While it’s generally agreed upon that it’s best when babies don’t have babies, our fair states are largely left to their own devices when it comes to teen pregnancy prevention.

As John Oliver said on Last Week Tonight, sex ed is only mandatory in 22 states, and, even more shockingly, only 13 states require that the information be “medically accurate.” Yes, it is perfectly legal for teachers in 37 states to tell students that they were delivered via Amazon Drone and that sex before marriage causes a rash that spells out the word slut on your forehead

Surprise! Regions with the least access to comprehensive sex ed also have the highest rates of teen pregnancy. This should be a concern to all humans, but especially those of us who give a fuck about the dear spinning orb we live on: The best way to curb population growth — and emissions — is to not have kids that you aren’t ready for. And if safe sex isn’t your thing, you can try watching Fox News before bed, which will be sure to kill anyone’s boner.

In typical fashion, Oliver seemed shocked at just how poorly this sex ed thing works over here in America, the self-proclaimed greatest nation on Earth. “There is no way we’d allow any other academic program to consistently fail to prepare students for life after school,” Oliver said. “And human sexuality, unlike calculus, is something you actually need to know about for the rest of your life.”

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Well, John, the rationale for this kind of insanity can be found right in our founding documents — or at least it will be once President Huckabee takes over and revises the Declaration of Independence to read: “… Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness, unless that Happiness includes sex before marriage, in which case it’s off to slut prison for you. Also no homo stuff.”

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