How are you feeling today? Guilty, perhaps? Wracked with shame for everything you’ve done recently that’s failed to live up to even “acceptable” standards?
No? Allow me — and by me, I mean the very literal-mindedly named Spanish tech company “Geeksphone” — to ruin your day, and life. You will soon be able to own a watch that can confirm once and for all that your self-declared “green lifestyle” is the ultimate in hypocrisy, and also that you are terrible in bed.
Along with the usual fitness tracker feature-set of step counter, calories burned and distance, it will also do sleep monitoring, and expand incoming smartphone message/call notifications to the wrist. Plus you get alarms and reminders, so will be able to set custom activity reminders (for instance). So far so relatively standard wearable.
However GeeksMe will also include two less commonly found features in what is a very crowded space: namely “ecological footprint” tracking, for the environmentally conscious. And, well, for the performance anxious, a sex tracker.
How on earth will this wearable nightmare measure your ecological footprint? Who knows! I mean, maybe Geeksphone, but they’re keeping this awful information to themselves. Perhaps it has a way to detect the ingestion of a delicious hamburger, or measure plantar contact with the acceleration pedal of a six-cylinder engine, or identify the feeling of 15+ minutes’ worth of pressurized water on bare skin.
The question we all care about most, of course, is how it will determine your sexual prowess:
“It’s not based on heart rate. But it will have a special mode (similar to sleep mode) that once it’s activated will measure things like number of times a day/week, duration, calories burned, and other very useful information based on different algorithms we are developing,” says Geeksphone’s Ángel Sánchez Díaz, who is director of innovation for the GeeksMe [smart watch] project. “It will help users to have a healthier lifestyle, monitoring different values and statistics when practicing sex.”
Some things I do not want to think about during sex include: pretty much anything that lives underwater, needles, and values and statistics — and this is coming from a former Mathlete. Owning this hell-watch (available for sale this summer!) is guaranteed to land you on the fast track to madness. Do not do it.