How are you feeling today? Guilty, perhaps? Wracked with shame for everything you’ve done recently that’s failed to live up to even “acceptable” standards?

No? Allow me — and by me, I mean the very literal-mindedly named Spanish tech company “Geeksphone” — to ruin your day, and life. You will soon be able to own a watch that can confirm once and for all that your self-declared “green lifestyle” is the ultimate in hypocrisy, and also that you are terrible in bed.

From TechCrunch:

Along with the usual fitness tracker feature-set of step counter, calories burned and distance, it will also do sleep monitoring, and expand incoming smartphone message/call notifications to the wrist. Plus you get alarms and reminders, so will be able to set custom activity reminders (for instance). So far so relatively standard wearable.

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However GeeksMe will also include two less commonly found features in what is a very crowded space: namely “ecological footprint” tracking, for the environmentally conscious. And, well, for the performance anxious, a sex tracker.

How on earth will this wearable nightmare measure your ecological footprint? Who knows! I mean, maybe Geeksphone, but they’re keeping this awful information to themselves. Perhaps it has a way to detect the ingestion of a delicious hamburger, or measure plantar contact with the acceleration pedal of a six-cylinder engine, or identify the feeling of 15+ minutes’ worth of pressurized water on bare skin.

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The question we all care about most, of course, is how it will determine your sexual prowess:

“It’s not based on heart rate. But it will have a special mode (similar to sleep mode) that once it’s activated will measure things like number of times a day/week, duration, calories burned, and other very useful information based on different algorithms we are developing,” says Geeksphone’s Ángel Sánchez Díaz, who is director of innovation for the GeeksMe [smart watch] project. “It will help users to have a healthier lifestyle, monitoring different values and statistics when practicing sex.”

Some things I do not want to think about during sex include: pretty much anything that lives underwater, needles, and values and statistics — and this is coming from a former Mathlete. Owning this hell-watch (available for sale this summer!) is guaranteed to land you on the fast track to madness. Do not do it.