Here at Grist HQ, like much of the internet (read: approximately 63 percent of my Twitter feed), we are elated to hear that Twin Peaks shall be making a return to television in 2016. Our offices, for those unaware, actually have a lot in common with the marvelous and fictional town of Twin Peaks, Wash.

  • We, too, are located in the picturesque, evergreen Pacific Northwest!
  • We regularly enjoy doughnuts.
  • There’s this weird room by the supply closet that’s decorated entirely in red and black, where a balding giant and a dancing dwarf chill on armchairs throughout the day, and every time I walk by it I feel like my insides have gone cold and I’m slowly becoming possessed by the collective force of all of the dark energy in the universe, and — oh, god, I’ve said too much — it’s … a joke …! Ha …! Hahahaha! Ha. Hmm.

Anyway, we got to chatting about the role that this seminal show had in our development as young environmentalists. One writer, who will go unnamed, dared to suggest that the Log Lady is the green hero(ine) of Twin Peaks.

No shade, but she is a fool. Audrey Horne holds that title, and it’s unthinkable that anyone might challenge her for it. Let us review, briefly, what the Log Lady contributed to greening the town of Twin Peaks:

  1. She carries a log around everywhere in homage to her dead husband who fell victim to the forestry industry in some tangential way, blah blah.
  2. That’s it. How easily are we swayed by trite, empty nature symbolism!

Let us review, also briefly, what Audrey Horne did to make Twin Peaks a better and more sustainable place (SPOILERS, but if you haven’t watched the whole show I honestly don’t know how you’ve gotten so far in this post):

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  1. She’s a preternaturally gifted undercover reporter, going rogue as an escort at One Eyed Jack’s to reveal the source of funding for the seedy saloon/brothel. This is not an investigation of environmental wrongs, per se, but it shows promise in terms of how far she’ll go to expose corruption at its root!
  2. She uses her indisputable position as Official HBIC of Twin Peaks (OHBICTP) to bring attention to saving the local forests from corporate development — during a beauty pageant, no less! That is swag. Her impassioned speech (Season 2, Episode 21): “There is only one way to save a forest, an idea, or anything of value, and that is by refusing to stand by and watch it die. There is a law of nature which is more fundamental to life than the laws of man. And when something you care about is in danger, you must fight to save it, or lose it forever. Thank you.” Chills.
  3. She handcuffs herself to the doors of the local bank to protest its involvement in said development. And then the bank explodes! Audrey Horne died (not confirmed, but probable) for the forests!

And here’s what we all really care about, even if we hate to admit it: Who would you rather be, Audrey Horne or the Log Lady? Audrey Horne, every damn time. She has literally zero fucks to give, she’s the wisest of all high school bathroom philosophers, and she’s a woman who knows what she wants and goes for it. The Log Lady has to lug around a hunk of firewood everywhere, and she doesn’t even have a real name.

Potential plotline for Twin Peaks 2016: Audrey Horne (having survived the bank debacle of the show’s finale) chains herself to oil trains across Washington state to protest ongoing explosions and spills. I’d watch every second of that.

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Do you disagree with me? I’m sure you do. Go ahead and defend your Log Lady! You and Grist Fellow Madeleine Thomas (WHOOPS) will never convince me otherwise.