Now if I can just get my jaw unhinged
Now if I can just get my jaw unhinged.

Late-night menus are basically for one kind of person, and where I come from (Massachusetts), we call that kind of person “wicked fucken hammahd.” When you are wicked fucken hammahd, you want to stuff your face with things, things like this seven-patty burger that Steak ‘n Shake has just begun selling as part of its “late night” (i.e., for wicked fucken hammahd people) menu.

This burger, which Steak ‘n Shake is calling “The Ultimate Challenge,” has seven burgers and seven pieces of American cheese. It also has a lot of calories — 1,330 of them to be exact, 800 of which come from meat. At a price of $7.77, you are getting each burger for $1.11 and paying a little more than five cents per calorie.

Now, if you’re sitting there thinking, “wow that is really disgusting,” may we remind you, as Ice-T says: Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Because late-night menus are IN. Denny’s has its “Rockstar Menu.” IHOP has “Everything you love about breakfast.” McDonald’s is testing late-night menus too.

Oh, you thought farm-to-table was the in thing? Well it is, bro, but with all the talk about organic this and organic that, you can’t NOT have some marketing people try to create and cash in on a backlash. We’re figuring it went something like this: “So there is this old bald dude who lives in Berkeley [snicker snicker] telling people to ‘eat food, not too much, mostly plants’ [raucous laughter] and meanwhile we have all these wicked fucken hammahd people [big cheer!] who have completely turned off their ability to control their impulses [big cheer No. 2] and we can make a lot of money feeding them shit [big cheer No. 3].”

So does this mean I blame Michael Pollan for the existence of a 1,300-calorie burger? Not exactly. But you can’t suggest to the world, “Hey, let’s all eat slow-roasted cherry tomatoes!,” without some people replying, “a) we are wicked fucken hammahd, b) you and your slow-roasted cherry tomatoes can blow us, and c) we are going to eat the most disgusting shit ever and like it. Bro.”