This Valentine’s Day feels particularly unromantic. The Antarctic just isn’t the same anymore. The federal government? Consciously uncoupling. After some new relationship drama, even those pastel, message-stamped Sweetheart candies won’t be available.

The Bronx Zoo has the perfect gift for this bizarre moment of maddening news cycles and hard-to-bear environmental problems. For $15, you can name a Madagascar hissing cockroach after your beloved. Like rats and ticks, cockroaches should handle climate change just fine.

“Some might say that love is like a roach — elusive, resilient, and sometimes very scary,” zoo spokesperson John Calvelli said in a press release. To which I say: Deep! And also: Hey, John, didn’t we match on Tinder?

Not convinced that roaches are the right tribute to your relationship? Don’t rush to a store to buy love tokens. If you’re somehow still feeling romantic, consider DIY candy heartseco-themed cards, or my coworker Eve’s slightly less jaded advice: